Hello my lovely readers. You hanging in there? How about we forgo the niceties and dive right into ep 2 of this natural disaster.
Right off the top, we get some good times bikini b-roll, and Alexis in a talking head saying that she’s “just now realizing” how serious the ultimatum is that she gave to Hunter. She also says that Hunter isn’t “perfect for husband material yet” because she makes more money than he does.
Again…what fucking century are we in? I totally understand wanting to be with someone who’s financially stable. But this just seems so wildly retrograde. Anyway, don’t mind me, the old crone in the corner tapping away on my typewriter. Let’s see what else Alexis has to say about the matter.
Oh fuck. Oh no! Alexis is seated with Colby at some outdoor restaurant type situation where I assume the contestants are supposed to engage in some type of one-on-one interactions. Alexis tells Colby, the gaslighting-indoor-scarf-wearer-who-last-episode -confessed-he-wasn’t-into-her, “she is attracted to him specifically.”
Hold on. Is this editing fuckery? Producer fuckery? Why is she doing this? A bitch is lost.
Okay, hilariously though, Alexis describes Colby’s eyes as “fierce” during this one on one which further enforces my assertion that Colby wants to win America’s Next Top Married Person.
Anyway, Alexis asks Colby why he’s not into her and HOLY SHIT BALLS does Colby give off some dickface motherfucker body language in response. He takes about thirty seconds to scratch his face and look disgusted until answering with, “It’s a fair question actually.”
Lol…you condescending fuck.
Colby tells Alexis that he’s not attracted to her. And I personally didn’t find this offensive and think that, while perhaps painful to hear, it just seems like common sense that not every person is attracted to every other person regardless of how conventionally attractive they might appear to be (or think they are).
But Alexis somehow finds this unbelievable claiming that “out of everyone here” she looks the most like Colby’s ex. Which I think she means to say: “we’re both white, blonde women and therefore in a “special category” of attractiveness which Colby should understand and therefore prioritize.” Maybe I’m cutting too deep but that’s just my take on it — Alexis, not your best look, old sport.
Oh my god, oh my god. So, I’m burning way too many calories on this one interaction and I don’t want this recap to be one hundred thousand pages BUT, I’m just gonna list out the reasons why Alexis says she rejects the premise that Colby might not be attracted to her:
She looks like the other white blonde woman in the group
She’s not unattractive
Any claims that Colby is not attracted to Alexis are “lies, lip service, bullshit”
I dunno about y’all but this is the kind of argument you just can’t disprove in a court of law.
Moving on for real now. Alexis thinks Colby is rude and then she runs off to tattle on him to Madlyn. LOL, guys! LOL! I’ve never seen anyone take rejection worse than Alexis. (Except for every man ever.) I feel bad for laughing, but horror and comedy are merely one inch apart.
Meanwhile Madlyn and Hunter fake flirt, like who gives a fuck.
Oh, and then Colby cries in the bathroom because…honestly, who knows? Because the cameras will follow him if he does? I fear his hair is taking it’s final form into a literal helmet atop his head.
I resent the air time the producers are giving Colby right now.
Next on the one on ones, Shanique and Zay! This is where the premise of this show continues to confound the fuck out of me. Shanique says she loves Randall but she doesn’t want to be left waiting for marriage again. Riiiiight.
So, how’s this gonna work? Zay, didn’t issue the ultimatum and is therefore presumably not interested in marriage anytime soon. Zay’s response to Shanique’s concern is “That makes sense.” Ahahahahah. Okay, but like props to Zay for giving a validating response, I guess?
Anyway, Shanique lists out her expectations of a husband and she and Zay seem to be on the same page about their involvement with kids and family life. The show continues to weirdly enforce gender stereotypes when Zay announces he knows how to sew and Shanique’s mind is fucking blown.
Jesus fucking Christ. It’s a needle and thread.
But I have to admit, I like the convo they’re having, and I like Zay’s enthusiasm over being a dad. What!!! It’s cute!!! I’m not made of stone. Anyway, Shanique admits to being physically attracted to Zay. Seems like there is some chemistry there.
Now it’s night time and the next one on one is Nate and Shanique. Nate’s opening line is “So, I was wondering what it would look like if we spent the rest of our lives together.” Well, Nate, it would look like a goddamn horror movie, that’s what it would look like.
Nate gives a bunch of what I consider “lies, lip service, bullshit” to Shanique, but he and Shanique seem to be hitting it off over their potential future children. I hate to say this, but this conversation with Shanique does make Nate more….*whisper voice* likeable. Anyway. Get me out of this.
Ah, goddammit. Be careful what you wish for. Next up: a Nate and April pairing.
UGHHHH Nate does another thing I kinda like. April asks if he’ll tell her if her cooking is bad and he says, “Truthfully, I’m gonna lie.” And that’s the kind of dishonesty I can respect in this world.
Then they talk about having children as soon as possible, blahblahblah we get it. Gotta have children this second and not one second later or else the world will end or some shit, like I don’t even fucking know anymore. April refers to children as “innocent little creatures on this planet” and I take big umbrage with referring to children (AKA humans) as creatures. That shit just bugs me, y’all. It’s not cute. Children aren’t here to make you feel good about yourself, APRIL. They’re actual real people. UGH, anyway, what was I doing here again?
Nate says he has a connection with Shanique and April. Mmmk, whatever you say, baby boo.
Cut to, montage of the castmates getting ready.
Madlyn gives a talking head about how she feels really close to multiple people. She also seems kinda drunk already which I find concerning. Maybe I’m wrong though but I know producers love to get these people lit the fuck up on these shows to create maximum embarassment and drama. Morals, what are those? Says the person who voluntarily chose to write a recap about it.
Rae and Jake have a one on one. They have a lot of stuff in common. They engage in affectionate touching. And Jake wears elastic waist pants with a drawstring.
I mean look, me too, but I’m not on television.
Jake is impressed that Rae can drive stick (okay) and then they get into more weird gender stereotype discussion about Jake being the kind of dad who gets out his shotgun when his future daughter goes on a date. Just shut the fuck up. I really… just absolutely no. Fuck off with that. Filed under: more shit that’s not cute.
Our next one-on-one is the dreaded Colby with “really doesn’t want children but is gonna say she does just because you’re pressuring her so much” Lauren.
My body collapses in on itself when Colby says that Lauren is his #1. I just went onto change.org and started the petition LEAVE LAUREN ALONE.
Colby thinks he can “help her through” wanting children. ARHghhahghghghhh.
They talk about childhood memories which Colby leverages to sell the idea of children to Lauren with… or some shit. Listen, I have never wanted to witness any single interaction between two people less in my whole entire adult life.
Lauren says her conversations about children with Nathan can be unproductive sometimes. YEAH GIRL.
Lauren says Colby is someone helping her “work through her emotions.” I think with the implication being (from the edit at least) that having a more understanding partner will spark her desire for children and I don’t buy a GARDDARM word of this. I can only suspend my disbelief so far, y’all.
Colby says some lies, lip service, bullshit to Lauren and then we are mercifully released from the clutches of his fierce eyes.
Next couple! It’s Randall and thirsty-ass Madlyn. Look I’m not mad at her thirst. Randall and Madlyn think they have a lot in common but I just think they wanna fuuuuuuck. Randall and Madlyn discuss marriage. And why does Madlyn seem so drunk? Then Randall’s like, “Would you say you have a super high sex drive?” And then Madlyn’s like “I am the initiator…sometimes it’s like initiate back…” And wow, do they really tell on themselves and their partners without a moment’s thought.
Randall asks Madlyn what some of her “off limits” are when it comes to sex. And while I think these are good discussions to have with potential partners, I’m also like…Shut the fuck up, Randall. Go have this conversation off camera because this seems like manipulative pick up artist bait to me which Madlyn takes hook, line, and sinker. In TRUE “cool girl” form, Madlyn shrugs and says, “There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to please you…I just think that’s how it’s supposed to be.” Great!
Relationships should definitely never have any boundaries! *thumbs up*
Anyway, regardless, it seems pretty clear that Randall and Madlyn are gonna choose each other for THE CHOOSING (whatever that even is?)
Okay, roll some b-roll and now we’re all inside and…drinking more. Exactly what these people need.
Also this happens and I unilaterally reject it out of hand:
Declined.
The castmates play Never Have I Ever and again, I am uncomfortable. I just can’t help but feel massive second hand pain for all these people. They ask all the expected perfunctory sexy questions. It’s super fucking weird and meta because the original couples talk about their experiences watching each other “date” the other people sitting right across from them. It’s just real fucking uncomfortable but apparently these people are more highly evolved than I.
Also, April challenges Colby to a TRUTH OR DRINK (which, is that the game?) and asks if he could see them living together for the next three weeks. And Colby gives it some thought and then says no. LOL. Looooook, Colby is trashfire but when he’s straightforward and honest, I’m not angry at it. Also, April is really starting to get on my nerves if I’m honest, but more on that later.
The cast then “moves the party to the bigger room.”
Alexis and Hunter hug because Alexis claims she misses Hunter, but I think she’s upset because she’s not getting the attention she thought she’d get from the other men of the cast. And then she’s like “I really do need another drink, actually” and I’m like baby girl, I really don’t know if that’s true.
I do kind of *whispers* like Hunter in this scene when he talks to Alexis. He seems to really listen to her and they both seem really miserable which I would also be in their shoes.
Okay, next scene.
Nate gives some impassioned speech about how Lauren is mad about Nate trying so hard with the other women but that “he doesn’t know what else to do” and that he believes they’ll all be better off after this experience. And by better off I think he means about several hundred thousand social media followers richer.
Also, WHAT IS THE PREMISE OF THIS SHOW? Didn’t Lauren insist on the ultimatum? Which makes no sense since Nate very clearly wants to settle down? Like wha???
Colby wears this outfit still.
In a talking head, Colby repeats the premise of the show, referring to it as life changing, and he proclaims he’s going to move forward with Lauren.
Anyway.
April joins Jake on the couch bringing this energy while asking how his dates have been.
This goes about as well as you’d expect with (a drunk, I assume) Jake telling April that the dates have opened his eyes like “Why are you an asshole to me all the time?” Here we go….
A huge fight breaks out and Jake says that April insists on everything right now but “when does she look at what he wants?” Again, to me he sounds lit af, but yeah, let’s def stick a camera in his face and document this convo for the annals of history.
They both cry and IT BAD and the editors cut it so it seems like they’re having the convo while literally sitting next to all the other castmates but I think they’re actually alone on the couch while it’s happening. Or maybe I’m wrong. Who knows. This whole bit was hard to watch.
Shanique and Randall have a convo too so I’m wondering if the producers put the original couples together for a bit. Shanique tells Randall that she likes how the other men ask her about how she’s feeling. In her talking head, Shanique says she’s torn between Zay and Nate. Then she cries too??? Although, I have no idea as to why.
Suddenly, all the couples are sitting on a couch together inside. Alexis asks Randall about finances. Randall says finances are obviously important in marriage but that he was pressured into marriage and he shouldn’t be.
The camera cuts to a very teary eyed Shanique and honestly I feel bad for her! Imagine me having an honest to god real life feeling while watching this show?
Alexis pushes Randall on the issue and Randall admits (I believe under the influence of producers to create a better storyline) that he used finances as an excuse as to why he can’t commit, and that maybe he’s actually just unsure about the person.
I continue to feel bad for Shanique when the person who’s about to try to fuck her boyfriend does this move in an effort to console her.
Shanique expresses regret about bringing Randall on the show against his will. I mean…………………..whoops!
Next shot is April and Hunter. Hunter comforts April about the fight she had with Jake. April says “today just 360d for me.” Big sigh. Hunter says he’s there for her, yadda yadda yadda. I’m trying to find any fucks but this interaction seems so fucking contrived to me. But April claims Hunter has like touched her heart or something.
Weird bittersweet inspirational music plays and we get a bunch of pensive close ups of the cast.
Like LOL this is so rudely close to his face.
Then we’re done with this part! Cue b-roll of the city and apparently it’s time for …
The contestants give their talking heads about being ready to make their choices and they all head into another room together.
And my night is ruined when these two fucking clowns show up on my screen again.
As previously described, I really fucking can’t stand these two. For the one hundredth time, Nick and Vaness explain the rules of the show without acheiving any clarity on the matter whatsoever. It still makes absolutely no sense, and their existence remains unjustified on my screen. I wish an old timey cane would pop out from the side of the screen and yank them away.
Okay, on with the choices.
Nate talks about how the experience has impacted him. Nick asks him about his connection with Shanique. Nate says that Shanique is as “determined person” and that it’s a “cool, rare trait to see.” Kaaay.
Shanique has made a connection with Nate (allegedly) and Zay. Shanique likes that Zay “gives her more and more every time.” She likes that Nate asks her “how she’s feeling today.” Then she cries and this time, I don’t specifically understand why, but sure, because this show is generally abusive.
For some reason it looks like Vanessa Lachay is crying too which gives me BIG EYE ROLL ENERGY because FUCK YOU Vanessa Lachay. These contestants are wasted, exploited, and manipulated at every turn. I get why they’re crying. But YOU? No. No. Absolutely not. You don’t get to fucking cry. Not your pretending-to-have-a-perfect-relationship-getting-professional-hair-and-make-up-done-while-making-bank-by-doing-the-least-soapboxing ass. You didn’t earn any fucking tears. TF out of here.
It’s at this point in the recap that I truly can’t believe I have fourteen minutes to go.
Anyway, Shanique chooses Zay.
Nate says he’s pissed.
Zay chooses Shanique.
Rae is sad about this.
Jake calls the women on the show “all these beautiful ladies here” and then refers to himself in third person. Then he chooses Rae.
April starts talking for some reason and refers to herself in the third person. This show is a certified mess. A real, true disaster of entertainment. April declares her love for Jake and encourages everyone to take advantage of the fact that Jake is such a good guy (in her opinion). And while many I’m sure will interpret this as good will from April, I think this is just her asserting dominance and acting like she’s “giving permission” to the other women to experience some borrowed time with the man who she believes loves her the most when really she has no power here at all. I have more thoughts on why April is acting like such a “cool girl” on this show about Jake, but I’ll get into those later
Meanwhile, Rae’s face is my face while listening to April talk.
After April’s speech Rae’s like cool I choose Jake.
Okay it’s Madlyn’s turn and Y’ALL, Madlyn seems sooo wasted. What the hell?
She has been over-served!
Anyway, she chooses Randall.
Randall chooses Madlyn.
Nate says that he gave the ultimatum, and oops, I thought it was Lauren. He waxes self righteously and then chooses April even though we all know he wanted to choose Shanique.
April again talks about how badly she “wants to be a mommy” and refers to herself in third person, and literally, my bloodpressure is spiking. I do kinda lol when April does a quick fake out acting like she’s gonna choose Nate and then randomly chooses Hunter.
Hunter looks entirely unmoved. Here’s what he looks like in case any of you forgot. April gives a really long speech because she always does and you know what? I wish she wouldn’t.
Okay, real talk though, I think April and Jake went onto this show to get instagram followers (spefically April as she already makes her living as an influencer) and so I think her whole magnamious act is just some bullshit because she and Jake have already agreed about how they’re going to act and what they’re going to do during the show. I predict they end up together. Also, I think that fight they had earlier was just because Jake was drunk and probably tired and probably cracked under the high pressure situation and wanted to get a rise out of April. Those are just my thoughts on it.
Anyway, here’s a picture of Alexis wearing a scrunchy with an otherwise very dressy outfit.
Is this the look? I’m an elder milenial so I don’t really get it.
Anyway, Alexis expresses jealousy over April going for Hunter. Then she gets up and gives the longest most useless speech ever that just really highlights how the premise of this show makes no sense and how all the contestants have to do verbal acrobatics just so they can fulfill their obligations as cast members.
And holy shit, that’s it! Catch you next ep.