the unlikeability of being a woman
and giveaway results! and Breathless audiobook release!
Skip to #2 for Breathless audiobook release links and #3 for the giveaway results!
1. When I was 13 years old, my parents didn’t love me, and I knew it on a molecular level even if I didn’t know it on a conscious level, and look, it wasn’t their fault, they just weren’t able to actually love a child, and sometimes that’s the way the zygote fertilizes, so the only thing I wanted in lieu of their love was attention from boys.
And I don’t want to totally villainize this desire, it’s totally normal to have romantic interests around this age, but my interest was all consuming.
And because I was also an avid reader with an adhd level of hyper focus, for a certain period of time I treated getting attention from boys like one might treat learning quantum fucking physics.
A full time project with a phd level attention to detail.
And one of the books I stumbled upon during this intense period of study would change me forever as a human. Like forever. Like even after actual decades of deconstructing, and unlearning and relearning, and ego death, and affirmation building, and somatic therapy…I still haven’t fully shaken its words loose from the marrow of my bones.
Because that book’s soul purpose was to teach woman and girls how to be likeable. And when we say likeable we always, always ALWAYS mean likeable to men.
And if you’ve ever been alive, if you’ve ever breathed in the air of the atmosphere surrounding us, you know the single most important thing for every living, sentient woman-presenting human, is that she absoluately be palatable to the tastes of a man.
And even to this day, sometimes I’ll find myself withdrawing or holding back or acting weird…and I’ll know. I’ll know why.
It was because a book changed.
Anyway, that book was called The Rules.
(Also, it’s so funny that I, a 13 year old CHILD, was reading a book clearly marketed to grown adult women looking to WED GROWN ADULT MEN. And my mother took absolutely no issue with this which was so super fun of her).
At first I was just going to choose a few of The Rules to highlight, but honestly, the very breadth of them of them is so staggering at THIRTY FIVE different rules that I didn’t want to leave any of them out.
And more interesting to me, while some of the rules are absolutely rapey/misogynistic/self-hating and atrocious, there are also some that I…agree…with???
Anyway, see below, and I’ve including my opinion on each rule.
Be a "Creature Unlike Any Other"
This rule is…worded poorly, but at its heart I think actually carries a true sentiment despite the aim of these writers. Yes, be authentically yourself. But maybe don’t refer to yourself as a creature. And definitely don’t do any of this for the approval of a man.
Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
Eh. I don’t think this should be a rule, but also, I did follow this DILLIGENTLY throughout my life and I think it saved me some trouble ultimately. Because why would I bother with a man who doesn’t even have the courage to talk to me first? But also, that’s just me. Many women might prefer to be the ones who initiate. And why would there be anything wrong with that?
Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
LOL okay??????? Instead, stare into a mirror and conjure a spell with a sea witch and trade your voice for a new pair of walkin’ legs.
Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Honestly. Agreed. But I don’t think this has to be a rule. If you wanna date a poor man, then do it, just know what you’re getting into.
Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
YES, actually. Says me who regularly frantically texts my husband 100x in a row when I want to say something.
Always End Phone Calls First
I mean…I guess? Honestly, it does kind of leave people wanting more. But why bother with this boring manipulation tactic?
Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
Again, kind of agree! Your time is your time and you gotta set boundaries against fuck boy antics. (Unless you’re looking for fuckboy antics, in which case, go off queen.)
Fill Up Your Time before the Date
So, if I recall correctly, the Rules often encouraged women to “get their own personalities outside of men” but they did so in the construct of a book designed with the sole purpose of getting a woman a man. So, while I do think they’re pretty disingenous here, and also…confusing and deceptive with their messaging. I also do agree that you should have a life. Call it one of my rules. Crazy, I know!
How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
I don’t know what this was about and I’m not going to look but I guarantee it’s got some weird purity culture to it.
How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
Same here. I don’t remember specifically what any of this was about. And OKAY, I also want to point out that a rule has been CONVENIENTLY omitted from the Wikipedia, but they can’t trick me because I remember it with my own little brain. This book…this published and sold in Barnes & Noble book…printed these words in this order in regards to how women should interact with men. The rule was: Never say no to sex. THEY ACTUALLY WROTE THAT. And we were all fine with it. And these authors profited. With real money. FROM WOMEN.
Always End the Date First
See, now it’s just getting kind of annoying. Haven’t The Rules ladies ever spent a romantic overnighter on the beach with a man they just met? Or gotten wasted at a bar drinking PBRs and Jameson shots and smoking cigarettes until 4am? Live a little.
Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
God. Like…Listen. I’m really inclined to say something negative here, but then simulatenously all the TikTok videos I see of women posting about their husbands forgetting their birthdays and what not are running through my head. So, like….maybe the Rules Ladies are right about this? Personally, I’m not a gift person, so I don’t care. But also, my husband would never forget my birthday or Valentine’s day or anything like that either. So, I don’t know. I really thought my commentary would be more scathing!
Don't See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
Very much disagree. If you don’t see him enough, how will you know if you hate him or not? How will you know how annoying he is?
No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
Eye roll.
Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
Another eye roll.
Don't Tell Him What to Do
HAHAHAHA
Let Him Take the Lead
Take the lead over…what? Because when it comes to planning a vacation or taking the cars in for an oil change, there’s nothing and I mean nothing I love more than leaving all the planning to my husband while I follow him around empty-handed and empty-brained and he tells me where to go and where to be. But something tells me that’s not what they mean…
Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
And we can all agree that this is fine! :D
Don't Open Up Too Fast
50/50 on this. I think a lot of men are known to use women’s vulnerabilities against them, strategically and abusively. But also, don’t tell me what to do Rules Ladies. I opened up so fast in this newsletter one person asked me if I “Should maybe start a journal.” lol, they got me there.
Be Honest but Mysterious
But I want to overshare and lie.
Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads
If there’s one thing about me, I’m gonna absolutely DWELL in the negative. I’m gonna rot like an old leaf and decompose there so thoroughly a fucking thorny rose bush is going to sprout out of my leavings. So. No.
Don't Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
In some ways, I kind of agree with this because men can often trap women by sharing space with them, especially if you aren’t in a financially sound situation. But also, do whatever the fuck you want, rent is expensive.
Don't Date a Married Man
This has to be a rule?????? Like this explicitly had to be said? Listen, obviously dating a married man is bad idea. But…even the people who do it are well aware of that. But okay. I guess The Rules ladies wanted to make their page count.
Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children
This one is actually excellent advice. I wish Jessica from Love is Blind/Perfect Match would abide by this rule.
Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
Practice…what? Not living with a man and being honest but mysterious? Practice this? Like in a mirror? Like an improv class? What if someone practiced the rules in improv class that would actually be so funny. “I’m going to stab you with a knife.” “YES AND I’ll never change that about you, honey. Nor will I ever tell you what to do. Now LEAD me to my death.”
Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
So, basically, you never actually get to just…be yourself? Be an imperfect person who lets their guard down and acts like a mess? You just have to play this role for the rest of your life like you’re Lara Linney and you’re fake married to Jim Carrey in a tv set fascimile of a life???? It’s the stuff horror movies are made of (and yes, I consider the Truman Show a horror story.)
Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts
Now we’re using cult language! I knew we’d get there <3 Also, if anyone disagrees with you cut them off immediately :) and keep being honest but myserious :) while you let your man take the lead :)
Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
EXCUSE ME??? Guess I was being way too generous assuming this book was marketed towards adults. Someone, arrest these authors.
Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
Okay, whatever this means. But one thing I’ll say…college is NO PLACE for the rules. College is when you should act like an actual psychopath and spray paint LOSER on a boy’s dorm room door when he ghosts you after peeing in your bed.
Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
Is this where Ariana got inspiration for her song?
Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
Why? Because this is a cult in which its tenets cannot stand up to even a hint of scrutiny?
Don't Break The Rules
Because this is a cult.
Do The Rules and You'll Live Happily Ever After!
Because this is CERTAINLY A CULT.
Love Only Those Who Love You
Because this is somehow possible and within your control.
Be Easy to Live With
And make yourself so small you never bother anyone! :) Especially not anyone in the cult :)
Well, I’m traumatized! How about you? To be fair, I was already traumatized because like I said, I consumed this incredibly toxic material during a formative period of life instead of receiving love from my parents. What a trade.
And not only that but I fully implemented this as a life strategy (to whatever degree it actually applied) as a pre-teen.
Wow, growing up in the 90s/2000s. What a fucking trip, y’all.
The funniest part of it all? Despite this book leaving its mark on me for the rest of eternity.
It didn’t even fucken work.
I’m still an unlikeable bitch. Who’s always gonna write an unlikeable bitch. And always gonne root for an unlikeable bitch.
And that’s just that on that I guess. You can lead a bitch to water but no, actually you can’t lead her. She told her therapist everything!
I also want to say that I don’t feel sorry for myself about “the unlikeable woman” trope. First, because I don’t have the energy to care that much anymore. I am *whispers* forty.
But also, because I’m a white woman who is financially sound, owns a house, isn’t worried where my next meal is coming from. Being unlikeable for me is not the same as being unlikeable for other people. The consequences are different.
I don’t feel that it defines me, because it doesn’t have to define me. I’m often given a lot of grace and leeway to be unlikeable. So, let’s be very clear about that.
Nevertheless, on just a regular old interpersonal human level. We all want to be loved. We all want to feel included. We all want, above all, to be understood as we are, not as we are expected to be.
And to fundamentally be considered unlikeable just for being yourself. That sucks.
It sucks, but the other available options feel even worse.
Pick your poison I guess.
2. OKAY SO LET’S GET TO THE THING I SHOULD HAVE BEEN FOCUSING ON TO BEGIN! The Breathless audiobook is officially out in the world!
The Breathless audiobook released yesterday with Podium Entertainment and Audible narrated by MK Blackwood! You can download it now! And you can also use Audible credits to download.
As I’ve said, I love it so much. The story comes to life in a way I could’ve never expected.
And if you’d like to support me and my work, you can do so by getting this audiobook!
3. LAST THING: Who won last week's newsletter’s giveaway? And can I just say, that some of you wrote entries that were so funny and touching and sweet and creative and it was really nice to read after being so sad! So thank you for that!
I’ve never posted winners this way before, but let’s do something new.
If you’ll recall, in my last week’s newsletter I waxed philosophical about TS Eliot and ran a giveaway for two hardback copies of my spicy contemporary romance Airplane Games.
Winners were chosen by using wheelofnames.com and I entered everyone (even people who didn’t follow instructions) but I don’t have any way to share the actual wheel spinning, so I guess you’ll have to trust that I didn’t have bad intentions here and that these were the results.
I’m only going to include first names here to keep identities protected, and I will also email the two winners are well. (I always email winners).
Winner #1:
Kay
Winner #2
Manal
Hurray hurray hurray!
K, I’m gonna go now. Love you bye.
I fucking love you damn it. Always an entertaining read and I never know what’s going to be on the newsletter. Haha